September 27, 2009

all i need to know

as i come to the end of a day filled with a roller coaster of emotions, complete with waves of overwhelming exhaustion, i am so thankful to be grounded in the truth of the god i serve and his unchanging character. it is my belief that when we experience gut-wrenching, knock-you-off-your-feet tragedy in our lives, most humans do one of two things. we either doubt the god we thought we knew and run in the opposite direction, or we embrace him. well, maybe it's more accurate to say we cling to him out of the desperation of knowing that there is nothing and nobody else that can get us through this. knowing that he is our only means of survival.

does this mean that the people who do the latter never doubt him for a second? do they never wonder why a loving god would allow such searingly painful circumstances to befall his followers? do they never question how being faithful to this god landed them in relationships where other people could be so unfaithful to their promises?

i can't answer for anyone else, but to the question of whether i have ever felt this way, the answer is a resounding, "OH YEAH." though i love to imagine the idea of being a person who possess super powers, trusting god every second of every day with never a doubt or a question would certainly not be my power. and in all honesty, giving the world the answers to all these questions wouldn't be my power either.

all i can tell you is what i know; and i know that my god is real and he is good. i see the evidence when i take the time to stare at the stars as they twinkle, see the artistry ingrained in every sunset, and look at the toothy grins of the beautiful children he gave me. i hear him speak to my heart through time spent reading scripture- for the first time or the hundredth, and through other christians who love me as they come to my side to encourage and pray over me. i have watched eagerly as time after time he has answered my prayers in the most creative and obvious ways.

and he knows i still have questions, and he knows i still have moments of doubt. yet he continues to love me lavishly, pursue me passionately, and fight for me faithfully. in the face of this truth, my pain and my anguish seem all but washed away by the wake of his glory. so for now i put away the questions, the requests, and the anxiety; and i rest in knowing that the answers don't really matter. if the god who created me and the jesus who died a wretched death to save my soul mean anything to me, how can they not mean everything?

the train of his robe fills the temple, and he is bigger than this current crisis. he's big enough to handle whatever we throw at him, so throw whatever you've got. please-- i beg you-- don't let the cloudiness of your reality get in the way of the clarity of his divinity. he's waiting. he loves you. he's got eternal life and abundant life, and he's offering both. "abundance" isn't the part where the roller coaster gets to the top of the tallest hill. it's where you have the freedom to ride through all it's ups and downs with your hands held high in the air, knowing you are safe and secure in the arms of your savior.


Melissa said...

Once again, from a place no one would ever want to be, you are amazing me with your strength and truth. Gos IS who he says he is, and he will do what he says he will do. Love you.

Lacy said...

I loved this post. I especially enjoyed the end where you described abundance. I really needed to hear that today. Love you!

Danyel Lintelman said...

Hi! I know you do not know me. I actually am a friend of Julie Monzingos and I went to school with Jeremy. I am not sure exactly what you are going through, but it sounds like it may be similar to something my sister went through. I wanted to share with you her blog. Please check it out sometime. It is her own journey "through the valley". Start at her first post and go from there and you will hear her story. Hopefully it will be encouraging to you!
I am praying for you and and your sweet babies! May God hold you tight and give you that peace that passes all understanding!

Jill said...

seriously, publish a book already! love you!

Strange family said...

i agree with jill! you are a fabulous writer. you have an amazing way of sharing what God is teaching you. you are truly being the clay and The Potter is shaping you into His likeness! Love you girl!